Sitting at the Feet of the Lord

From my smallest days Christianity had seemed a great responsibility to be good and faithful to God. This call was greatly opposed by the inner nature that wanted to do the exact opposite of what was expected of me. I was pushed and pulled by inner desires and drives to be self indulgent and seek pleasure and happiness in the ways of the world. The burden of guilt that built up within me over the years led me avoid God, avoid prayer and avoid church.

My desire to be free of this guilt pushed me to the rational, scientific approach to reality that first of all explained and justified all that was happening within me as natural and acceptable. Secondly it gave me a chance to be self indulgent without having to carry any guilt within myself. Thirdly it made me feel superior to all those people who lived in the ignorant dark ages of superstitious beliefs.

But in quiet moments when I had to deal with my own inner being, I knew that something was desperately wrong and I was insecure and unhappy. It was reflected in my addictions to alcohol, cigarettes and other indulgences as a means to happiness. I probably would have gone on like this till the end of my life, with addictions and interest changing according to the various psychological shifts of age. That is until the Lord decided to show His face to me.

When I realized that Jesus and Christianity were not merely dealing with a philosopher and a philosophy, but that He was actually risen from the dead and alive everything changed. As I looked at Jesus through the portraits of the gospels brought alive to me by the anointing of the Holy Spirit, learnt how He thought, experienced how He felt towards the weak, the sinful and the lost, I was overwhelmed and lost my heart to Him.

This can be best explained by a word picture drawn for us by John.

Jn 11:2 This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair,

As we realize the Lord’s heart for the weak and sinful it becomes easy to sit at His feet and enter into a deep relationship with Him. In this intimacy, we are loved and made secure within. It is then that we become safe enough to let go our compulsive and learnt habits and behaviors over a lifetime. It is then that we start the adventure of venturing into the unknown and untested ways of the Lord in dealing with the events and circumstances of life. If we argued our case and fought for our ways of doing things, we become safe enough in the knowledge that the Lord rules to remain silent, to forgive, to learn to listen and even discover higher ways of resolving issues. This becomes transformational not only for me but even for everyone else involved.

These few lines from ‘Take me Higher’ explains it beautifully

Hold me as I rise, rise beyond by being
As I feel your presence surround me
Lord I come to worship on my knees