Sitting at the Feet of the Lord

From my smallest days Christianity had seemed a great responsibility to be good and faithful to God. This call was greatly opposed by the inner nature that wanted to do the exact opposite of what was expected of me. I was pushed and pulled by inner desires and drives to be self indulgent and seek pleasure and happiness in the ways of the world. The burden of guilt that built up within me over the years led me avoid God, avoid prayer and avoid church.

My desire to be free of this guilt pushed me to the rational, scientific approach to reality that first of all explained and justified all that was happening within me as natural and acceptable. Secondly it gave me a chance to be self indulgent without having to carry any guilt within myself. Thirdly it made me feel superior to all those people who lived in the ignorant dark ages of superstitious beliefs.

But in quiet moments when I had to deal with my own inner being, I knew that something was desperately wrong and I was insecure and unhappy. It was reflected in my addictions to alcohol, cigarettes and other indulgences as a means to happiness. I probably would have gone on like this till the end of my life, with addictions and interest changing according to the various psychological shifts of age. That is until the Lord decided to show His face to me.

When I realized that Jesus and Christianity were not merely dealing with a philosopher and a philosophy, but that He was actually risen from the dead and alive everything changed. As I looked at Jesus through the portraits of the gospels brought alive to me by the anointing of the Holy Spirit, learnt how He thought, experienced how He felt towards the weak, the sinful and the lost, I was overwhelmed and lost my heart to Him.

This can be best explained by a word picture drawn for us by John.

Jn 11:2 This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair,

As we realize the Lord’s heart for the weak and sinful it becomes easy to sit at His feet and enter into a deep relationship with Him. In this intimacy, we are loved and made secure within. It is then that we become safe enough to let go our compulsive and learnt habits and behaviors over a lifetime. It is then that we start the adventure of venturing into the unknown and untested ways of the Lord in dealing with the events and circumstances of life. If we argued our case and fought for our ways of doing things, we become safe enough in the knowledge that the Lord rules to remain silent, to forgive, to learn to listen and even discover higher ways of resolving issues. This becomes transformational not only for me but even for everyone else involved.

These few lines from ‘Take me Higher’ explains it beautifully

Hold me as I rise, rise beyond by being
As I feel your presence surround me
Lord I come to worship on my knees

Brokenness

Both yesterday and today my attention is drawn by the word in Acts 19 to the power in the name of Jesus. A team of brothers see St. Paul using the name of Jesus to cast out demons and maybe even heal the sick. They become very interested in this method and decide to try it out themselves on someone who is possessed by an evil spirit. They shout at that person, ‘in the name of Jesus Christ whom Paul preaches’. The evil spirit declares “Jesus I know, Paul I know, but who are you” and pounces on them and chases them out sans their clothes!

Why could Paul use the name of Christ to great effect whilst the brothers had no effect from that name? It is a question I can easily ask myself as I look back on my own life. There were many years when I preached almost the same words I am preaching now with little or no effect. The sermons were appreciated and the jokes laughed at. But a true conversion of heart was extremely rare and even then very short lived.

As I reflect this morning I realise the things that God has done in my life. Earlier though I loved the Lord and knew the scripture, my reliance was on my own self and my ministry was first and foremost a means of self expression and a fulfilment of my need to be appreciated.

Great crisis and great problems swept over my life almost a decade ago. It broke the confidence I had in my own self and ruined my good name amongst men. Desperate, hurting and lost I fell at the feet of Jesus and experienced deeply His forgiveness, mercy and restoring love. Loved by the Lord, held in His loving arms, I deeply experienced great security, enough to surrender to Him fully knowing that relying on my own self is of no use. The word used for this in the Bible is brokenness.

This new relationship with my Jesus and the new anointing infused supernatural power to everything within me and around me. It poured out from within me into the lives of those around me. I had found the fountain of living water. No, no Jesus led me to it kicking, screaming and protesting!

A three wheel driver who testified yesterday at the Kandy meeting explains it very beautifully. He is not Christian but saw the crowds in the Church and was drawn by curiosity. He listens from outside, gradually moves inside over the weeks, experiences a healing from the Lord, is touched by the Love of Jesus which has become real for him and now wants to give his life to the Lord!

Everything belongs to my God

Today I am led to reflect on my inner responses as circumstances and events around me become dark and negative. I hear negative feedback and criticisms as third party information. Immediately my heart moves to judge the people who have supposed to have said these things. Then my inner being jumps towards explaining and justifying my own position to myself and to God. Further, my spirit is lifted up to God in complaining with “you know God what the truth is” prayers. Suddenly feelings of anger break through followed by self pity and despondency. It has become a real roller coaster ride of changing and oscillating emotions. Now I am old enough in the Lord to know that this is a moment where I am called to deeper prayer and more time in the presence of the Lord. So I sit quietly before the Lord and say ‘Lord I come as I am, I know you love me’.

How easily the storms of circumstances obliterate the vision of God! People and events have become so big that they have become huge mountains standing in my way, so much so that I begin to feel that even God is powerless and helpless to do anything about them! The storm has become God. I give this truth to the Lord at His feet and admit my sinful and weak approach to crisis.

As I surrender myself into His hands and invite the Holy Spirit to take over my life and fill me with His power, thoughts from God begin to flood my mind. I am reminded of Jesus before Pilate, and how the Lord was told by Pilate that he has power over him. It certainly looked like that! It was so at one level. But Jesus refuses to agree to His dimension and world view. He says ‘you have no power over me, unless it has been given to you from above’. Jesus was saying that God ruled His life and the circumstances around it, however differently it may be seen, because He was totally surrendered to the will of His Father. This approach of faith was vindicated by the Resurrection and His rule over the whole universe as the ‘First born from the dead’ and ‘head of the Church’. His continued impact upon humanity 2000 years later is the greatest proof that God was truly in control when everything was out of control!

As I accept this truth into my heart, my inner being comes to peace. God rules my life and the circumstances around it. He will take everything and turn it into a blessing. He will fix my sinfulness and flesh with trials and suffering He will permit. He will find a way to greater and greater blessing. As I read today from the words of St. Paul, the Lord reminds me how the greatest enemy of the early Church becomes its greatest hope, because of the intervention of Jesus.

Everything belongs to my God and He would find a way through everything to lead me to the fullness of His plan. Thank you Jesus.

What is true humility?

Today was a busy day when needs of the family intruded into my prayer time. Judging by the responses of people, it was really an idea inspired by the Lord to share a little about the daily journey with God.

A question that has always intrigued me from time to time is the definition of humility. In the past I had mistaken low self esteem to be the model of humility. Denying oneself and being negative about one self was often applauded as great humility because it made other people feel good about themselves, powerful and superior. The best way is to look at the Lord and His life.

St. Paul speaks of how Jesus became empty of His divinity to humble Himself even unto death. This seems to prove the above mind set. Yet if we look at the “I am” statements of Jesus it looks the exact opposite of it. He says I am the way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me. The Father and I are one, or when you see me, you see the Father!

In this context I have come to realise that being humble is to be truthful! Be real, don’t pretend and play games for an image boost in the eyes of others. If my value, worth and love comes from God my Father and Jesus my Lord, what other people think of me really is not that important. Why do I want other people to think highly of me? Those days I thought that I must do it so that they can come to the Lord, looking at my goodness. But if my goodness is not real, it would only be a short term attraction that ultimately ends up with disappointment and pain.

Yet if they see how I desperately seek the Lord, and how real His love, mercy and forgiveness is to me, they would learn to look beyond me and even join me in seeing together the Lord Jesus who is the only one who can truly set us free.

Lord your love is enough for me

As I prayed this morning, my heart was attracted to the first step of the 4 steps; “Come as you are I love you”. Because when I reflect on who I am, I can easily identify with the paralytic who was lowered before Jesus by four men. Paralysed by the history of my past, I am unable to do anything about who I have become! Wrong love, bad experiences, long periods of sinfulness have made be a distorted person inside. Even my desires are for the wrong things of life. Things other than the love of Jesus attract my innermost depths.

It is in this situation that I hear the voice of the Lord say, “Come as you are I love you”! I am called by the Lord to faith. Faith in His word and through it faith in His love. John 3:16 says “God so loved the world, that He sent His only Son, not to condemn it but to save it”. The love of Jesus is what I really need. It is enough for me. No, more than enough for me, for He says in John 10:10; “I have come to give life, and give it abundantly”. A love that would fill me and over flow from me is available to me from the heart of Jesus, even though my addictions and sinful past cries out for something else.

A journey of faith for me is to quietly and firmly accept this revelation from my Jesus into my heart this morning. “Lord your love is enough for me, no, more than enough for me, it is going to fill me, meet my innermost needs and overflow from me into the lives of others around me”

“And hope will not disappoint us as the love of God is poured into our hearts by the Holy Spirit” Romans 5:5